February 14, 2012 | Editor’s note: In her book “Living into Community,” Christine D. Pohl offers insight into four practices of Christian life: Embracing gratitude; making and keeping promises; living truthfully; and practicing hospitality. Pohl explored the practices of pastoral excellence within community as part of the Sustaining Pastoral Excellence project funded by Lilly Endowment Inc.

In this chapter of the book, Pohl considers ways to strengthen the practice of living truthfully in families, congregations and communities.

As we draw closer to the source of truth and live gratefully in response to the one who has taken us from darkness to light, our desires and longings can be reshaped. We can grow into living truthfully and loving truth. While living truthfully involves self-discipline and thoughtful reflection, it is most fully linked to embracing God’s desire for truth in our inward being (Ps. 51:6).

The Quaker tradition offers time-tested suggestions for fostering truthful living. They include these four: (1) Listen “for the truth in the words of others”; (2) Speak the truth as you understand it with “cordiality, kindness, and love”; (3) Avoid “gossip, tale bearing, breaking confidences, or the disparagement of others”; and (4) Resist “temptations to falsehood, coercion, and abuse.” Adopting these commitments would transform many interactions and communication patterns in our families and congregations.

When we think about truthfulness in relation to speech, we do not often assume that listening is a top priority. But listening is at the heart of wisdom and discernment. Additionally, truthful words cannot stand alone; they must be supported and sustained by a “congruent” life. If we begin with an inner commitment to “speak without deception,” we will find that truthful speech and living become more natural.

A community that loves the truth will understand the wisdom of silence. Speaking truthfully, as Mennonite theologian Alan Kreider notes, does not mean that we will “always say everything we think or know. There is ample room, in the truthful life, for silence, discretion, the keeping of confidences and even the pleasantries that lubricate social interchange. … But this does mean that we are committed to making the words that we utter true words.”

Congregations, families, or communities that want to grow in truthfulness might invite their members to monitor their speech for several days, keeping a diary of every time they said something that was not true. They could then reflect on the kinds of lies they told, the reasons they did so, and how they could have responded more truthfully.

L. Gregory Jones, ethicist and theologian, describes his experience with this exercise. He and his students decided to try to live a week without telling any lies. Soon they realized that “all of us would have to be quiet much more often as we discovered situations and relationships in which it is better not to speak than to utter statements that are not true.”

In Ephesians 4, we find that individual and communal maturity in Christ are closely connected to “speaking the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15). New life in Christ is characterized by speech that gives grace: “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29). A check on our behavior might include regularly examining ourselves as to how our words are giving grace and how they reveal that we are being conformed to the image of God (see also Col. 3:9-10).

Communities that are concerned about truthfulness will be attentive to structures and patterns of life together that encourage or discourage truthful living. What do we do together that helps members learn to tell “tactful truths instead of reassuring lies”? How are truthfulness and grace modeled by the leadership? What structures are in place to help us keep short accounts among ourselves? Where do we allow ourselves freedom to ask one another hard questions about important dimensions of our lives?

In families and other close communities, sometimes we operate with a version of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. We overlook or accommodate patterns of behavior that ought to be challenged. Sometimes a caring outsider can see clearly and speak truthfully about difficulties within a community. Although we formalize this with “consultants,” it can be more informal as well. A faithful friend who will speak truth to us is a precious gift. A person who loves us enough to name difficult truths and risk our response can keep us from self-destruction.

Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 5:23-24 challenges us to take individual initiative in repairing damaged relationships by going directly to the other person involved to seek reconciliation. Within congregational life, Jesus also encourages direct and personal interaction, and only when that fails are other “witnesses” to be drawn in (Matt. 18:15-17).

Communities that love truth will make a safe place for the awkwardness of confession, forgiveness, and healing. Where truthfulness and confession are practiced, communities depend on fidelity, the assurance that members won’t abandon one another as they reveal their sins and weaknesses and move toward maturity and holiness. Truthful communities are communities of encouragement and hospitality. As Miroslav Volf explains, “Without the will to embrace the other there will be no truth between people, and without truth between people there will be no peace.”