Tom Arthur: Can a pastor be friends with her or his staff?
In the ancient church, a young monk would approach an elder and ask, 'Abba, may I have a word?' Tom Arthur, in his first year out of seminary, seeks advice from elders in these letters. Kelly Johnson's reply is here.
Dear Dr. Kelly Johnson,
Your book “Fear of Beggars” changed the way I think about most of my life and ministry. Your critique of the way the church teaches “stewardship,” and the impact of stewardship for the poor and homeless, was eye-opening. Your suggestion of a movement toward friendship with the poor continues to unfold in helpful ways in my own experience and ministry. Your book, along with the influence of the New Monastic and Catholic Worker movements, even sparked among some of my friends the creation of a new voluntary “order”: the Order of St. James. We’re trying to live out some of the principles you describe in your book through a covenant of simplicity, hospitality and evangelism.
Given that your book deals with issues of poverty, begging and economic systems, the topic of this letter might seem a bit strange: being a pastor of a church that has several staff. Why write a letter about staff relationships to someone who has written a book about stewardship and friendship with the poor? The connection is fairly clear in my mind, and I hope to make it clear for you too.
I am a United Methodist pastor who has been appointed as the second pastor of an eight-year-old church plant. The founding pastor was a grandmother (literally) who planted the church at age 59 and retired at 67. It has been a thriving community of faith throughout its short eight-year life.
Several staff members are included in that thriving life together. I have inherited a full-time children’s ministry coordinator, a three-quarters time office manager, a part-time worship leader, and a part-time office assistant. I have gotten up each morning for the past four months glad to be going to work with them. They are a talented group of people and they have done significant ministry together in our church and community.
But there are several things about being a pastor in a community of staff that I am finding tricky to navigate. One such thing is that the staff is fond of calling me “the boss.” This is sometimes said as a joke, but other times not. Most of the interaction between the staff and me runs with this hierarchical understanding of “boss” and “staff” just below the surface. I am expected to be the decider. I am in a sense expected to be the “steward” of knowledge about what is right and wrong to do in any given circumstance.
Your critique of stewardship would seem also to get at this undercurrent in my church of seeing me as the leader and steward of decision-making. In the place of “stewardship” your book offers the correction of friendship.
Here’s the rub. Can the pastor of a church be friends with the staff?
Some conventional wisdom says that a pastor cannot be friends with the church staff (or really with any church member, for that matter). I remember while growing up, telling my dad that I wanted him to be my friend. He always replied, “I can’t be your friend, I’m your dad.” Later in life this line has changed and my dad has spoken of our growing friendship.
So if a pastor can be friends with the community of staff with whom he or she ministers, what does this kind of friendship look like? How does it play out on a day-by-day or week-by-week basis? How does friendship reorient something like a yearly evaluation. Or are yearly evaluations just a part of “stewardship” that needs to go? If they go, what is put in their place?
I look forward to your answer and expect it will help me imagine new ways of being the church together with our staff.
Peace,
Tom Arthur
Tom Arthur is pastor of Sycamore Creek United Methodist Church in Lansing, Michigan.
friends
What kind of person wants to label fellow human beings as "friend" or "staff"? Not a Christian kind of person, that's for sure! In Christ, there is neither greek nor jew, male nor female, staff nor friend..... just fellow human beings.
Uh...
Apparently Jesus is the kind of person who would call a fellow human being friend: "I have called you friends" (Jn 15:15). And clearly Tom is looking for space to be friends with his staff, but it is no denigration of them to name them "staff." They DO in fact work for him.
Interesting
I'm looking forward to how this blog is going to go, as I am on a church staff also. I have wondered how to look at the pastor and not see seperate people - friend, "boss", spiritual leader, and over all person who is the face of the church. How do you combine them to see just the person and not the position. I like my pastor/boss but am not sure how to convert to friends when not in a work situation.
Daniel on this
Great article by Lillian Daniel on this question, not without a touch of sadness: http://www.christiancentury.org/article.lasso?id=1495.
Friends and staff
Having served in 5 parishes, I wonder if the answer is not "either/or" and rather "both/and". My experience with superiors has been positive--warm and friendly. While I knew some of the details of their lives because of our working relationship, they also had other supports outside the parish--clergy colleagues, friends, family members, therapists--who could give needed feedback with much more honesty than I could with my job or a recommendation hanging in the balance.
While this is not your situation, let's imagine for a moment that you are an alcoholic. After being confronted about problem drinking by a parishioner, you go to your staff. They are glad that someone has finally been honest with you because they had been wondering how to say the same thing.
Imagine that your staff members are like most of us. They need and/or like their job, so what would they likely say? Would they or could they be honest, and if not, would you be asking them to enable your behavior?
To use the example of your father, imagine that your father was your friend, and he began to talk to you about issues in his marriage to your mother--friend to friend. As an adolescent, you would be placed in the role of parenting your dad who is supposed to be caring for you. As an adult, you might be able to manage such conversations, although your role is not to be your dad's parent or confidante.
Your conversation with your dad about wanting a friend touches any of us who are parents. Without knowing your full story, it is also possible that you were asking your dad to take you out for a hamburger, to play ball, to spend time with you. You likely were not asking your dad to talk about his childhood wounds or his marriage as if you were supposed to provide the answers.
Perhaps that's where clergy who are warm and caring folks walk a tender balance. We genuinely care for those with whom we work. We see them through life's ups and downs, and they are aware of the headlines of our lives. If we are lucky, they watch our backs or put in extra time when needed. They are our companions because we are spending time together engaged in God's work as Paul and Titus were.
Churches are more relational than the average corporation, so it is easy to cross boundaries from time-to-time in the holiest and most well-intentioned ways. There will be staff members to whom we feel close. There are parishioners that we simply adore, and others that we pray God will lead to another congregation.
So, dear Tom, is it possible that you can be companion and fellow journeyer with your staff as well as have honest friends with whom you can share your fears, anxieties and secrets in order to offer riches to the congregation? After all, we clergy are human too. We are bearers of God's light, as well as those whose feet are made of clay and have a shadow side.
My thoughts?? Yes, love your staff as Christ has loved each of us, AND remember that God's love doesn't stop at the office. Find support outside the church too. There are lots of folks out there who can be your friend. These friends can more playfully, lovingly, creatively and honestly help you become the pastor that God intends without fear of losing their jobs.
Thanks for raising a really tough issue for which there is no perfect answer!! Thanks also for being open to a bit firmer approach--a direction that I chose because up to this point, no one has raised the complexity of dual boundary relationship. I try to remember, with God's help, one with "authority" can help positively AND honestly do so. It was that "authority" that brought me into the Church, and it is that "authority" that keeps me faithful to her mission.
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